1-1-21 - Life is S#1T

 Life is S#1T

IDEA - 1-1-21

by

Patrick Ryan

Bobby Jones is not in a good place. A year ago, his sister died in a car crash, the most important person in his life gone in an instant. Bobby did not handle his situation well, which led to him neglecting his job, cutting himself off from the rest of the world, and becoming angry. When someone said, "Happy New Year, Bobby, hopefully, next year will be better than the last.", he would reply, "In my experience, things only get worse, have been for some time." A few months after that, Bobby had an idea, the first thing he was truly excited about in a long time. He borrowed money from a bank, saved up his own money, and opened a restaurant named Madeline's, named after his sister. He worked hard at the restaurant as he wanted it to be Madeline's legacy. Unfortunately, two months after opening, the COVID-19 outbreak occurred, and the restaurant was forced to reduce capacity. Even after all this, Bobby remained determined to weather the storm. For a time, it worked.  One night, the restaurant was visited by a top critic in the state, which might turn the restaurant's tide. Stressed, anxious, and nervous, he tried to make everything perfect.  However, Madeline's best friend Bernadette, who was waitressing part-time, messed up the order by failing to write the correct sauce on the slip. All the tension and nervousness Bobby experienced turned into anger. It was a tirade of expletives, hurled kitchen equipment, and demeaning shouting that followed. What Bobby didn't know was that Bernadette practiced witchcraft.  After the tirade was over, and she was fired, she started to walk to the door containing her anger. However, Bobby chimed in one last remark, "You're worthless; it's like you killed Madeline all over again." Bernadette turned around and cried out in a language Bobby didn't understand. He was reduced to the size of a bug. Bernadette grabbed the napkin and said, "There's a bug in the restaurant; that's not good." Moments later, she scooped up Bobby and flushed him down the toilet. Bobby moved through the plumbing systems mixing with the smells and textures that one would imagine. Eventually, he would make his way to the wastewater treatment plant. He would undoubtedly die due to the harsh chemicals and filtration used. Bobby grasped onto a used condom stuck on the side of the pipe. It prevented him from going any further, but the current was increasing. A tiny man saved his life, carried Bobby back to his village where everything was made of shit, and it smelt as you would expect. In the village lived people whose entire existence was shit.  However, to Bobby's surprise, everyone was happy, completely content with their lives.  Even though Bobby didn't quite understand, these tiny people really lived in and ate shit every day. But were the most satisfied and optimistic people he had ever met.  Bobby lived in the village; Pablo, the little man who found him, gave him shelter in his shit house. He worked with Pablo at his shit job, where they molded shit into models of shit food for the village to eat.  While living in the shit village, Bobby learned how to let go, avoid worrying about the past, stop looking into the future, and just live in the moment. Even though Bobby tried to poke holes in the villager's perfect lives, their kindness was infectious, and Bobby saw himself start to become kind.  The villagers enjoyed Bobby's tales about the world above, which he would illustrate in vivid detail; he would tell them about Madeline and their adventures together.  Slowly but surely, talking and laughing about life taught Bobby how to deal with pain.  After a while, Bobby was not angry anymore; the shit village had changed him.  Talking about real-world experiences made him miss living there. With enough shit food and shit water, Bobby attempted to make his return journey to the world above.  He would seek Bernadette, who will hopefully forgive him and ask her to make him big again.  "Godspeed Bobby, may the shitty wind always be at your back," Pablo said as Bobby cast off into the shitty river in his shitty boat.