7-13-21 - Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry

 Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry

IDEA - 7-13-21

by

Patrick Ryan

Amy sits on a park bench across the street from The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry, a diet organization that her sister joined over six months ago. Amy is suspicious as she observes individuals come and go with some sort of prescription. The issue is that her sister, Kerri, joined the organization and then subsequently devoted her entire life to them.

Kerri had separated entirely from her life, disowning her family, blowing off her friends, and spending long periods of time working for the Sisterhood. Amy had a sneaking suspicion that the Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was a cult. 

Amy spotted Kerri walking down the street a few weeks ago; when Amy approached her, Kerri brushed her off, calling her a "sabotager." To the organization's credit, Kerri looks great; she's shed about 50 pounds, is healthy, and even appears younger!

But Amy can't get her mind off the feeling that something isn't quite right with that organization. In her research, she discovered other stories similar to her sister's: of people who wanted to lose weight but ended up disowning everyone in their lives and now work for the diet organization. 

Amy devised a plan and spent the last few weeks bingeing on cheesecake, burgers, and pizza, gaining over ten pounds in the process. She was going to The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry to gather the dirt she needed to persuade her sister to leave.

Amy walks into the building; encounters the sound of soothing music, and is met by a young, skinny, supermodel-looking woman.

"Welcome to The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry; how may we assist you today?" The receptionist says.

"I'd want to join your weight loss program," Amy adds, looking around for Kerri, who isn't there.

"Of course, we provide a free evaluation of your mental, physical, and metaphysical health. I'll have one of our sisters bring you back for a closer look," she says as two more supermodel women accompany Amy into the back.

Amy waits in one of the most luxurious exam rooms she's ever seen. Another supermodel appears, this time a doctor.

Amy was subjected to a battery of examinations, including a physical examination, a psychiatric evaluation, and, for some reason, an algebra exam. They give her a complimentary bottle of their supplements at the end of the examination; this is the prescription she'd seen folks leave the facility with the other day.

As she walks back to her apartment, she mulls about whether she should take the supplements. All she could think about was Kerri; if she wanted to find out what was going on, she needed to join the cult. Amy took the prescription as directed, and the pills tasted just like her favorite foods. Amy began to lose weight, eliminate wrinkles and other symptoms of aging, and develop abs, which was surprising given that she hadn't exercised since the Clinton administration.

Amy remained determined, and the moment had come to gather some dirt on this group. She needed to refill her prescription, so she had to return to the office.

This time, to refill her prescription, she had to participate in a group discussion with other organization members. They used no names, like Alcoholics Anonymous, members had to resign themselves to a higher authority; in this case, The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was that higher power. 

Finally, Amy saw a hint that this was indeed a cult, and her suspicions became confirmed. Amy feigned she needed to use the restroom before darting out into the on-site dormitories, where she knew her sister might be. 

She kicks down the doors one by one. Every room has a supermodel, but none of them are Kerri. An alarm can be heard as Amy goes on a rampage, but she isn't getting anywhere. Amy resorts to her final option and pulls out a gun as security closes in.

"I need to see my sister, Kerri, right now!" Amy insists.

Three supermodel physicians appear and attempt to calm her down.

"Of course, we'll get your sister Kerri right away," one of the supermodel doctors offers.

"...and, give me some more of those pills, they made my underarm fat disappear, and they were delicious," Amy states.

"I'll get you some right away," offers another supermodel doctor.

Amy needed to validate her concerns; she knew this was a cult and that brainwashing took place.

"Hey you, Brooklyn Decker's twin sister doctor," Amy remarked to the last remaining supermodel doctor, "show me to where you keep the files."

"Of course, follow me," the supermodel doctor replies as she walks Amy to the main office.

Amy sifts through their files, looking for the proof she needs to persuade her sister to leave this place for good.

Unfortunately for Amy, the only thing she discovered was that The Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry was a highly benevolent organization. They created a fitness schedule for orphans, gave celluloid cream to veterans, and sent exercise equipment to Africa for overweight elephants.

Amy had about finished going through every file in the office and had discovered nothing when her sister Kerri arrived.

"Amy, what are you doing?" Kerri asks as she walks into the now-trashed office.

"This is a cult, and you must escape. I know that evil is going on here," Amy tries to convince.

"What are you talking about? It's just a weight-loss clinic; everyone here is polite, friendly, and looks like they belong on the cover of a swimsuit magazine," Kerri elaborates.

"I miss you, Kerri; why did you abandon me?" Amy inquires.

"Every time I came over to your place, you just offered me junk food, sugary drinks, or sweets. I couldn't be around you anymore; you are what does Sisterhood of the Perpetually Hungry call a sabotager," Kerri explains.

"But I miss you; I'm always unhappy because you're not here," Amy explains.

"Why don't you join us? You can join my team; we stand outside TGI Fridays, Applebee's, and Denny's and hand out cards to people who ordered too much," Kerri explains.

"Do they really want me?" Amy inquires.

"Without a doubt. Not to mention that if you work here, you get free prescription refills. We're going to all have six-pack abs!" Kerri exclaims with zeal.

Amy and her sister hug as the supermodels around them applaud the touching moment.

Two supermodels are hidden behind one-way glass, opposite the main office mirror.

"Look at that, another soldier in our army," exclaims one supermodel.

"Yes, it's only a matter of time before we take over the world. Hail Satan," the other supermodel says.