Sunday, April 16, 2023

Joke Stems - 4-16-23

FBI warning travelers to avoid public airport charging stations due to malware and viruses...

1. ...I should be fine; I always charge my phone wearing a condom. 

2. ...I caught my phone at a public charging station right before our flight; I called it a slut, and we didn't speak for the entire flight home.

3. ...spyware may slow down my phone, but it makes me feel good to know someone cares about what I have to say.  

4. ...I don't care what you say; the charging station loves me and only charges my device. 

5. ...now you tell me; I've been having sex with airport charging stations for years.   

Saturday, April 15, 2023

Joke Stems - 4-15-23

Montana legislature passes bill banning TikTok...

1. ...putting an end to the floss with a grizzly bear challenge.

2. ...upsetting an 84-year-old woman from Butte who says they can take her antique grandfather clock over her dead body. 

3. ...your loss Montana; now you'll never know the joy of cooking chicken in NyQuil. 

4. ...the 1,000 active users in Montana were going to protest but then decided to purchase a VPN and keep dancing instead.

5. ...legislators said they just wanted to return to the good ol' days when American companies stole and used their data illegally.

Friday, April 14, 2023

Joke Stems - 4-14-23

Pablo Escobar's ‘cocaine hippo’ dies after being hit by a car...

1. ...I get that "Cocaine Bear" had a good box office, but what's next, "Cocaine Kowala?"  

2. ...finally solving the riddle, why did the hippo cross the road; to get more cocaine.

3. ....sources say El Chapo's monkey named Rafiki drove the car.

4. ...the hippo was found with an 8-ball of blow,  a quarter of Johnnie Walker, and a 9-millimeter tucked into its sweatpants.

5. ...before passing away, the hippo told police the cocaine was medicinal, citing a glaucoma diagnosis from last summer.  

Postal Service upping stamp prices to 66 cents...

1. ...this shocked a third of Americans who did not realize mail was still a "thing."

2. ...opponents of the price hike cite that this is just the Post Master General living lavishly on number two pencils and penny candy. 

3. ...when asked why they picked 66 for the total, they cited satan and then sacrificed a goat in front of the press. 

4. ...despite the price increase, this will NOT guarantee better service, quicker service, or any service at all. 

5. ...I like the changes; charge 69 cents for all I care; it brings me great joy knowing that bills, credit card offers, and value coupons will cost more to arrive at my doorstep.


Thursday, April 13, 2023

Joke Stems - 4-13-23

New York City hires first 'rat czar'...

1. ...shows up to Canal Steet station wearing nothing but Micky ears looking to go undercover. 

2. ...outlaws hats, as the movie Ratatouille showed, that's where they like to hide.

3. ...puts a $10,000 bounty out for Pizza Rat, wanted dead or alive.

4. ...appoints vice-czar Garfield, who refuses to work on Mondays. 

5. ...leaves small pieces of cheese on the side of the road leading out of the city towards Philidelphia. 


18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas dairy farm...

1. ...it's only the third day, and the family is already sick of eating nothing but burgers. 

2. ...I told my waiter medium rare; this is the last time I order a steak from an on-fire dairy farm. 

3. ...that's the last time I leave Gary in charge of the grill. 

4. ...people said that Henrietta was a pyromaniac, but that's what made the milk so good. 

5. ...welp, it looks like it's back to breast milk; I need my vitamin D. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

Joke Stems - 4-12-23

Arnold Schwarzenegger filled a Los Angeles pothole yesterday...

1. ...declaring an end to puny holes with no muscle mass.

2. ...he insisted it had nothing to do with AI from the future, but check in on all Sarah Connors today. 

3. ...inspiring other former governors, Jesse Ventura body-slammed a jaywalker, and Andrew Cuomo sold his nipple clamps to pay for new paint on the Williamsburg Bridge.

4. ...the story will be the primary plot of "The Expendables 4," coming out in September. 

5. ...as he was finishing, he saw a cracked sidewalk; he stared it down and shouted, "I'll be back." 


Tuesday, April 11, 2023

Joke stems - 4-11-23

At FTX, multimillion-dollar expenses were approved by emoji...

1. ...because nothing says legitimate organization like approving your salary with the wink emoji. 

2. ...and declaring bankruptcy was sent with player hands.

3. ...and customer statements simply had the abacus emoji followed by the confused face emoji. 

4. ...I knew something was up when my monthly statement was just the poop emoji.

5. ...because who needs FDIC when you have the face screaming in fear emoji. 

Tupperware stock plunges after warning it could go out of business...

1. ...boy am I in trouble; I literally have all my money in Tupperware; it keeps it fresh. 

2. ...great, the only parties I'm ever invited to are Tupperware related. 

3. ...unless your Tupperware stock makes that burping sound, it can lose value. 

4. ...now the stock is just like the product; no one will admit they bought a hundred while drinking heavily on a Saturday morning.  

5. ...good to know that if times get tough, I have a meatball-stained, cracked Tupperware bowl from 1994 that can fetch a hundred on eBay. 

Saturday, April 2, 2022

4-2-22 - Ladybug King

 Ladybug King

Tobias and Ines, twin siblings, discovered their parents, the King and Queen, had been murdered while they slept.


The coronation was to take place the next day, and Ines, who was 15 minutes older, was to become Queen. Tobias thought this was unfair and threatened to make Ines' life a living hell if she didn't make a deal. She did, and they would become separate but equal King and Queen. They would each have a say in decisions, but if they disagreed, they would defer to the military's top commander, Zanzibar, who Ines knew was in love with her. Tobias had been duped, and the coronation was held with a tie-breaker that would never go in his favor.


Despite their efforts to ensure equality in appearance, wealth, and decision-making, the residents of their Kingdom preferred Ines and recognized her as the true Queen of the Kingdom. The military also gave Ines greater respect than Tobias, believing that Ines made better decisions than her brother. Finally, Tobias became bitter and earned a reputation as a useless, lazy, and just symbolic figurehead.


Tobias was consumed by jealousy. He stole half of the Kingdom's wealth and departed one day after being overruled for the hundredth time. Tobias spent ten years traveling the world in search of the most powerful mystics, psychics, and alchemists. If he ever came home, he would do so as the most powerful person in history.


Tobias eventually found a witch who wielded the darkest magic. He had nearly spent the entire Kingdom's wealth in order to find this witch. Since he was out of money, he offered his soul to the witch in return for immortality, uncountable wealth, and supreme power.


"How will I collect your soul if you are immortal?" The witch asked.


Tobias sensed he was getting close, and as he gazed around the witch's cave, he noticed a ladybug climbing up a rock.


"Fine, the only element on Earth capable of killing me will be a ladybug."


The witch thought about it for a minute before agreeing.


"Alright, when you are killed because of a ladybug, I will collect your soul."


She cast a spell, and Tobias became all-powerful.


He returned directly from the witch's cave to his home Kingdom, marched right into the Palace, and killed Queen Ines with lightning from his hands in a demonstration of supreme might. The Kingdom cowered in fear and lamented the loss of their beloved Queen.


Tobias ascended to the throne as the lone and invincible King. He had finally seized control of the Kingdom's money, military, and citizens.


Tobias' first act as King was to assign Zanzibar and some of his higher-ranking military operatives the mission of gathering and destroying all ladybugs throughout the Kingdom and beyond.


Tobias took up residence within the Palace while his orders were being carried out, refusing to leave or even address his subjects.


It took years, but Zanzibar and the Kingdom's troops were eventually able to destroy every ladybug in the Kingdom and beyond. When Zanzibar returned to the Palace to inform the King that they had completed their job successfully, Tobias killed them as well because they were aware of his weakness.


However, the King was unaware that Zanzibar carried a grudge against him because he had murdered the love of his life. He wasn't sure why the King was scared of ladybugs, so he trapped one remaining in a metal sphere and buried it beneath the Palace. 


Before his untimely death, the only person he told about the sealed ladybug was his daughter, whom he told in a bedtime story. The plot revolved around an all-powerful King who was terrified of ladybugs. And how the King murdered all of the ladybugs except one, which an enemy placed under his throne.


His daughter, on the other hand, saw it as nothing more than a ridiculous story and never believed it to be true.


King Tobias emerged from the Palace, knowing that all of his weaknesses had been eliminated, and ruled his Kingdom with an iron fist. The King was not content with simply dominating over his subjects; he also invaded other Kingdoms, establishing an Empire of terror that stretched beyond the horizon.


The King was the most despised man in the Empire, yet he was immortal, all-powerful, and had amassed a tremendous military force to enforce his reign. Despite multiple assassination attempts, his adversaries quickly discovered that no one could kill him. After years of fighting an uphill battle against an insurmountable opponent, a covert resistance had developed, but their numbers began to wane.


Zanzibar's daughter would carry on the legacy of the buried ladybug by telling her children, who would then tell their children, and so on for decades.


The amusing story of the buried ladybug became widely known. People liked to relate the story of King Tobias, who was scared of ladybugs, because he was so despised in the Kingdom. It was the only way the common man could get even with the merciless King.


Years and years later, the resistance had devolved into a grave situation. Only a few resistance fighters remained as King Tobias closed in. Even though they knew it was merely an old wives' story, they wondered if the ladybug sealed beneath the King's throne represented a hidden weakness or a unique allergy.


While the King was out tormenting the people of another kingdom, they began to dig beneath the throne using basically their last remaining resources. They dug and dug till they came across a metal sphere. Four of the remaining five resistance fighters were killed getting this metal sphere out of the Palace.


The last resistance fighter tried for months to crack open the metal sphere until it finally cracked open like an egg. Inside was a tiny shriveled-up ladybug. He looked back in awe; the story was true. But what would he do with a dead ladybug?


In a last-ditch attempt to oust the terrible King, the resistance fighter broke into the Palace and planned to place the ladybug inside the King's food. The resistance fighter, on the other hand, was apprehended and imprisoned with the ladybug in his pocket.


Because this was the last resistance fighter in his kingdom, the King personally went down to murder him. As the King entered the cell, the resistance fighter backed up against a wall.


"Do you know how long I've been waiting to finally eliminate the resistance?"


The King gently raised his hands to shoot lightning from his palms at the fighter. The desperate resistance fighter grabbed the ladybug from his pocket and flung it on the ground in front of the King. As the wind blew, the ladybug looked to move on its own.


The King was taken aback! He became terrified and began to back away from the ladybug, as if a ghost had materialized out of thin air. As he began to go backward, the King stumbled over a raised Stone and fell against the wall, breaking his neck.


Despite the fact that the ladybug was dead and did not touch him, the King died as a result of a ladybug. The King's weakness was ultimately realized. The witch had now taken possession of the King's soul.


The King was confronted by all the victims he had killed, including Ines, Zanzibar, several resistance fighters, and his parents, whom he had murdered in the middle of the night in order to seize power.


"When you rule with an iron fist, the smallest things are the most difficult to control."