Pablo Escobar's ‘cocaine hippo’ dies after being hit by a car...
1. ...I get that "Cocaine Bear" had a good box office, but what's next, "Cocaine Kowala?"
2. ...finally solving the riddle, why did the hippo cross the road; to get more cocaine.
3. ....sources say El Chapo's monkey named Rafiki drove the car.
4. ...the hippo was found with an 8-ball of blow, a quarter of Johnnie Walker, and a 9-millimeter tucked into its sweatpants.
5. ...before passing away, the hippo told police the cocaine was medicinal, citing a glaucoma diagnosis from last summer.
Postal Service upping stamp prices to 66 cents...
1. ...this shocked a third of Americans who did not realize mail was still a "thing."
2. ...opponents of the price hike cite that this is just the Post Master General living lavishly on number two pencils and penny candy.
3. ...when asked why they picked 66 for the total, they cited satan and then sacrificed a goat in front of the press.
4. ...despite the price increase, this will NOT guarantee better service, quicker service, or any service at all.
5. ...I like the changes; charge 69 cents for all I care; it brings me great joy knowing that bills, credit card offers, and value coupons will cost more to arrive at my doorstep.
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