New York City hires first 'rat czar'...
1. ...shows up to Canal Steet station wearing nothing but Micky ears looking to go undercover.
2. ...outlaws hats, as the movie Ratatouille showed, that's where they like to hide.
3. ...puts a $10,000 bounty out for Pizza Rat, wanted dead or alive.
4. ...appoints vice-czar Garfield, who refuses to work on Mondays.
5. ...leaves small pieces of cheese on the side of the road leading out of the city towards Philidelphia.
18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas dairy farm...
1. ...it's only the third day, and the family is already sick of eating nothing but burgers.
2. ...I told my waiter medium rare; this is the last time I order a steak from an on-fire dairy farm.
3. ...that's the last time I leave Gary in charge of the grill.
4. ...people said that Henrietta was a pyromaniac, but that's what made the milk so good.
5. ...welp, it looks like it's back to breast milk; I need my vitamin D.
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