Joke Stems - 4-16-23

FBI warning travelers to avoid public airport charging stations due to malware and viruses...

1. ...I should be fine; I always charge my phone wearing a condom. 

2. ...I caught my phone at a public charging station right before our flight; I called it a slut, and we didn't speak for the entire flight home.

3. ...spyware may slow down my phone, but it makes me feel good to know someone cares about what I have to say.  

4. ...I don't care what you say; the charging station loves me and only charges my device. 

5. ...now you tell me; I've been having sex with airport charging stations for years.   

Joke Stems - 4-15-23

Montana legislature passes bill banning TikTok...

1. ...putting an end to the floss with a grizzly bear challenge.

2. ...upsetting an 84-year-old woman from Butte who says they can take her antique grandfather clock over her dead body. 

3. ...your loss Montana; now you'll never know the joy of cooking chicken in NyQuil. 

4. ...the 1,000 active users in Montana were going to protest but then decided to purchase a VPN and keep dancing instead.

5. ...legislators said they just wanted to return to the good ol' days when American companies stole and used their data illegally.

Joke Stems - 4-14-23

Pablo Escobar's ‘cocaine hippo’ dies after being hit by a car...

1. ...I get that "Cocaine Bear" had a good box office, but what's next, "Cocaine Kowala?"  

2. ...finally solving the riddle, why did the hippo cross the road; to get more cocaine.

3. ....sources say El Chapo's monkey named Rafiki drove the car.

4. ...the hippo was found with an 8-ball of blow,  a quarter of Johnnie Walker, and a 9-millimeter tucked into its sweatpants.

5. ...before passing away, the hippo told police the cocaine was medicinal, citing a glaucoma diagnosis from last summer.  

Postal Service upping stamp prices to 66 cents...

1. ...this shocked a third of Americans who did not realize mail was still a "thing."

2. ...opponents of the price hike cite that this is just the Post Master General living lavishly on number two pencils and penny candy. 

3. ...when asked why they picked 66 for the total, they cited satan and then sacrificed a goat in front of the press. 

4. ...despite the price increase, this will NOT guarantee better service, quicker service, or any service at all. 

5. ...I like the changes; charge 69 cents for all I care; it brings me great joy knowing that bills, credit card offers, and value coupons will cost more to arrive at my doorstep.

Joke Stems - 4-13-23

New York City hires first 'rat czar'...

1. ...shows up to Canal Steet station wearing nothing but Micky ears looking to go undercover. 

2. ...outlaws hats, as the movie Ratatouille showed, that's where they like to hide.

3. ...puts a $10,000 bounty out for Pizza Rat, wanted dead or alive.

4. ...appoints vice-czar Garfield, who refuses to work on Mondays. 

5. ...leaves small pieces of cheese on the side of the road leading out of the city towards Philidelphia. 

18,000 cows killed in fire at Texas dairy farm...

1. ...it's only the third day, and the family is already sick of eating nothing but burgers. 

2. ...I told my waiter medium rare; this is the last time I order a steak from an on-fire dairy farm. 

3. ...that's the last time I leave Gary in charge of the grill. 

4. ...people said that Henrietta was a pyromaniac, but that's what made the milk so good. 

5. ...welp, it looks like it's back to breast milk; I need my vitamin D. 

Joke Stems - 4-12-23

Arnold Schwarzenegger filled a Los Angeles pothole yesterday...

1. ...declaring an end to puny holes with no muscle mass.

2. ...he insisted it had nothing to do with AI from the future, but check in on all Sarah Connors today. 

3. ...inspiring other former governors, Jesse Ventura body-slammed a jaywalker, and Andrew Cuomo sold his nipple clamps to pay for new paint on the Williamsburg Bridge.

4. ...the story will be the primary plot of "The Expendables 4," coming out in September. 

5. ...as he was finishing, he saw a cracked sidewalk; he stared it down and shouted, "I'll be back." 

Joke stems - 4-11-23

At FTX, multimillion-dollar expenses were approved by emoji...

1. ...because nothing says legitimate organization like approving your salary with the wink emoji. 

2. ...and declaring bankruptcy was sent with player hands.

3. ...and customer statements simply had the abacus emoji followed by the confused face emoji. 

4. ...I knew something was up when my monthly statement was just the poop emoji.

5. ...because who needs FDIC when you have the face screaming in fear emoji. 

Tupperware stock plunges after warning it could go out of business...

1. ...boy am I in trouble; I literally have all my money in Tupperware; it keeps it fresh. 

2. ...great, the only parties I'm ever invited to are Tupperware related. 

3. ...unless your Tupperware stock makes that burping sound, it can lose value. 

4. ...now the stock is just like the product; no one will admit they bought a hundred while drinking heavily on a Saturday morning.  

5. ...good to know that if times get tough, I have a meatball-stained, cracked Tupperware bowl from 1994 that can fetch a hundred on eBay.