5 Jokes a day 1/2/19

#Taiwan rejects #Chinese president's call for reunification... it's like that ex-boyfriend who you dumped because they always flipped out when you talk to other guys, like #America... but now wants back but hasn't changed.

#MittRomney writes an op-ed on #Trump's character... well, isn't that like calling a Brioni suit a Kiton... Romney destroyed more lives at #BainCapital then you could even count... layoffs, tax-avoidance schemes, and harmful dividend recaps.

#Netflix removes episode of comedy critical of #SaudiArabia's crown prince... bacon is outlawed there too... I guess no #TheGreatBritishBakingShow or #ChefsTable either?

Due to the government #shutdown, some #nationalparks have been overwhelmed by trash and human feces... just like #WashingtonDC.

All #children born in the #20thcentury are now adults... although, my girlfriend calls me a child at least twice a day... maybe just mathematically.

#Google gets #FCC approval for radar usage in #ProjectSoli, gives tech the ability to recognize users’ hand gestures to control a device... all this so I can give the middle finger to my phone and it'll open #JakePaul's #youtube page?

#ElizabethWarren plans Iowa trip in another step toward 2020 campaign... glad to see she's getting back to her Native American roots.

#HarryReid says #Trump is ‘the #worst president we’ve ever had’... insists he's even worse than Ulysses S. Grant... whom he served as chief of staff.

Child falls into #rhinoceros exhibit at #Florida zoo... the rhino is fine, just a migraine from all the crying... will babysit Thursdays while mom is at pilates... it needs the money.

Woman wakes up on #NewYear's to find 'heavily intoxicated' stranger sleeping with her dog... I wouldn't be mad at the guy... the dog said he owned the house and lived alone.

Woman wakes up on #NewYear's to find 'heavily intoxicated' stranger sleeping with her dog... check the dog bowl for roofies.

Acting #PentagonChief says he’ll carry out #Trump’s vision for the #Military... admits he was initially sceptical of the solid gold tank.

#Oregon man arrested after allegedly attempting to steal #bike outside #police station... he would have had better luck in the basement of the alamo.

#Sportsbetting not a ‘golden goose’ for state budgets... not unless they take #ClemsonTigers and the over.

Man #bites off chunk of another man’s #ear off during argument... I guess he was right... Cheesecake Factory is not worth the wait.

#Massachusetts woman gets stuck 30 feet up in tree after chasing #drone... or... did the drone get stuck 30 feet up a tree chasing a woman... drones can't be trusted!