sends train into for the first time in a decade... it came back with a haircut and said 'hail supreme leader'
affects approximately 500 million customers... honey... if you're seeing this, the hackers put all that butt porn on my bill... it's so disgusting what THEY did.
for men, researchers test a male contraceptive gel that goes on the skin... I don't understand, who needs the gel? My skin has helped repel females since middle school... not one pregnancy scare.
pulled from radio station amid movement... reading the lyrics, it's not even a song... just the dialogue to act 1 of a snuff film.
Racist Arizona lawmaker, says black people ‘don’t blend in’... I'll tell you what doesn't blend in... that baboon's hairy ass on the top of your head with your old as dirt crypt keeper face.
is now controlled by ... say goodbye to those fishing trips 'down by the river'... you can now expect lots of farmer markets and home shows... you're married now!
resort to giving tickets away for free after 8-year low in attendance... ... 3 football teams that are all under .500... maybe it's time to focus more on the Xs & Os, and less on the hookers and blow.
Scientists investigate mysterious that rippled all over the world... sorry everyone... I sometimes forget I'm that good in bed... I hope no one on the other side of earth got pregnant.
Cartel member describes having mariachi band playing taunting song before murder attempt... damn Chapo had a house band for his life.
issues apology after gate agent accused of mocking child named 'Abcde'... they're lucky her brother 'Abcbbd' wasn't there... he's in a Philly street gang.
to block porn from its free Wi-Fi in 2019... that's ashame... Banana Cream Pie Frappuccino was the only drink I liked there.
will probably retaliate after canceled a weekend meeting... it's exactly like that time Angela Merkel ghosted Tony Blair at the spring fling... omg... he's totally gonna get it in homeroom tomorrow.
Discount shoe retailer opened a luxury shoe store called Palessi... following suit Wendy's opened a gourmet restaurant called Wendessi... Dollar Store opened Dollessi... and opened Target... they already got nice shit there.
It's apparently pretty easy to bribe mailmen to deliver cocaine in ... Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom... your drugs will arrive at noon.
says DD Perks accounts may have been hacked... well look on the bright side... DD Perks also comes with diabetes... so take that hackers.
canceled By after 3 seasons... he didn't see it coming.
gets an additional hotel room for clothes and makeup... her clothes and makeup did have an Air B&B account until they trashed that duplex in Brooklyn last year.
eyed to play Geppetto in Disney’s movie... what child actor are they gonna get to drink that alcohol and smoke that cigar.
Hundreds of vehicles recalled in after number plates spell out ... Meanwhile, elected a senator... I think that means everyone there is required to have a racial slur on their car.
might have renominated for Fed chair if she wasn't so... short... I bet this has to do with Munchkin Land being unionized... damn lollipop guild.
might have renominated for Fed chair if she wasn't so... short... nominates instead... what's that, oh the economy just crashed, well, at least he was tall.
on climate change: ‘People like myself, we have very high levels of intelligence but we’re not necessarily such believers.’... amazing, I said the same thing about Santa Claus when I was 30... boy was I proven wrong.
How can you be so calm about this... hacked to get the plot for 's 'A Madea Family Funeral'.
Child breaks free from the crowd to join the on stage... it's the first reported case of a boy running towards a priest in 50 years.
forgot she was in ... we all said we were and then Anna forgot we were even in a war... the movies may be done but the fight rages on... never forget.
forgot she was in ... Stephenie Meyer responded... well I forgot you were in Up in the Pitch Perfect Woods 4.
and invite each other to museums... it didn't seem sincere though... back in the day, when you invited someone to a museum... you meant it.
sort of landed on ... chip etched with Green Day 1986 was sent... aw man, the martians will have to wait 8 years until Dookie... while the band 'finds' itself.
Border Patrol agent's gender-reveal explosion sparked ... please don't do anything to reveal the baby's name... we know his name is arson.
met with ... completely unrelated to the hack... Manafort is just doing that 50 embassies in 50 days vacation thing.
Is it just me or do decorations have a feel to them... coincidence or cry for help?
A dog gave to as a peace gift has had 6 puppies... anchor puppies... 1,000 more peace gifts and we'll have ourselves a declaration of war!
has an app... suffering from lack of D-list actors, puppies, PG-13 sex innuendo, and a layered on so thick you'll shit a candy cane... then forget the app and just up your shrink appointments to 5x a week.
Cautuon!... app and are two very different things... I have a date with my Camaro on Saturday.
to voice a totally new character in the new ... excuse me Hollywood... if you are going to regurgitate my entire childhood, you will do so exactly as I remembered and not change a thing.
was high on ecstasy when she got married and made sex tape... ok... that pop song, , she put out makes sense now... oh that was on purpose?
constantly feels the need to ‘prove’ he’s not gay... in other news... Shawn Mendes just got 100 women pregnant... see, I told you!
lands its Geology on Mars... it's the coolest thing done in Geology since Fred Flintstone bowled a perfect game.
scientists find possibly Infectious superbugs on board the ... oh yeah, Gary.... it's allergies.
Kanye West's new private plane Is a double-decker Boeing 747 named Yeezy floating office... damn Kanye... my 2-year-old wrote Poopy-di scoop before he could Poopy-di potty... where's his plane?
is backed up by the A-Team... is backed up by the equivalent to the 2018 .
Ralph breaks the internet and the box office... was quoted as saying... I'll get in the ring with ... I'll f#%k him up.
Hundreds of migrants in the march on US-Mexico border in push for asylum... my dad had a caravan when I was growing up... they've either significantly increased the number of passengers or the numbers in the caravan are embellished.
believes he has a 70% likelihood of moving to despite 'good chance of death'... Elon, where ever you go, Azealia Banks will find you and call you weird.
and tie the knot... that comes with a waffle iron they'll never use now.
People are not happy with comedian throwing his son a cowboys and Indians party... guy can't even have a party when Dallas beats Washington anymore.
movement... reading the lyrics, it's not even a #Christmas song... just the dialogue to act 1 of a snuff film.
