5 Jokes a day 12/31/18

#Louisiana police post: "If you have recently purchased meth, it may be contaminated with the Zika Virus, please bring it to your local police station to be tested."... that's so nice of them, on top of that, the check comes with commemorative silver bracelets for you to wear.

#WomenMarch event canceled over concerns of being 'overwhelmingly #white'... I also heard it was going to be 'overwhelmingly female'

#Samsung is reportedly making a #Bixby-powered speaker... when asked what Bixby was... Samsung replied, it's that annoying program that opens on your phone when you accidentally click the side button.

Man claims #iPhoneXSMax exploded in his pants.... premature Iphone explosion remains as the top most embarrassing things that can happen to a man.

Retired Gen. #StanleyMcChrystal says #Trump is immoral, dishonest... that's surprising because #RollingStone wasn't even in the room.

#NewYearsEve ball drop to honor journalism... hmm, I thought to was to honor the #NewYear... just when you think you know things.

#ClaireMcCaskill calls #OcasioCortez ‘a bright and shiny new object’... sounds like jealousy... the last bright, shiny object McCaskill had was that private plane taxpayers paid for in 2011.

#Fisherman finds nearly 60 pounds of #cocaine floating at sea... and one anxious whale swimming at 60 mph.

Huge #CenturyLink and #911 outage caused by spammers trying to get 911 to buy a timeshare... they've learned from this and the numbers have been blocked... they also purchased a full week in Florida next spring.

#Popsugar’s celebrity look-alike app is leaking users’ photos... just great, now everyone's gonna know I don't look like #ChrisHemsworth.

5 Jokes a day 12/30/18

"#ClarktheBaldEagle" took a detour around AT&T Stadium, landing on random fans rather than returning to its handlers... I don't blame him catch the game while it was still interesting... After a couple of minutes, #Clemson scored enough points to win. #ClemsonvsNotreDame

#DenzelWashington turns 64! #KingKong literally ain't got shit on Denzel... dude is gonna live forever... who knew doing movies about trains was so youth inducing. #Pelham123 #UNSTOPPABLE

#KimJongUn sends rare letter to #SouthKorean leader... unfortunately, it was his letter to Santa... #SouthKorea said the Santa request for thermonuclear warheads was a little jarring.

#Computervirus hits Tribune Publishing... impacts delivery of the #LATimes newspaper... the over 30 people who still get a paper version of The Times were very concerned and went online to find out what happened.

#DwayneJohnson buys mom house for #Christmas... but then the #SanAndreas fault opens up underneath it and the Skyscraper next door catches fire... just another day in the life of 'The Rocks' mom.

Texas woman breaks record giving #birth to nearly #15poundbaby... the Surgeon General cautioned that this weight loss method will not work for everyone.

Woman is expected to make a full recovery after being #stabbed by a man she met on the #Tinder... see, if she had a photo up that didn't look like her, he wouldn't have known who to stab.

#Putin sent #Trump a #Christmas note: let’s talk... not many people know this but the rest of the note said... ask Melania if u can sleep over at the #Kremlin... we can play Fortnite and make prank calls to #KimJongUn.

5 Jokes a day 12/29/18

#Durex recalls some #condoms due to '#burstpressure' concerns... said the husband of the couple that first reported the issue... 'hey, oh, I have very strong dick muscles'... followed by his wife saying, 'that's when I knew something was wrong and reported it to the company.'

 #Durex recalls some #condoms due to '#burstpressure' concerns... Durex responded... 'we sincerely apologize and will make sure to try all condoms before packaging from now on.'

 #Durex recalls some #condoms due to '#burstpressure' concerns... we can all thank condom scientist who alerted everyone of the issue... he got his degree in the woman's locker room of Canton Community College... we salute your efforts.

 #Google is reportedly rolling out a feature to fight #spam in your texts... now they just need a way to stop that 2am booty call you'll regret in the morning.

 #NewarkAirport passengers may have been exposed to #measles... they're only concerned about people from out of state... people from #NewJersey have a natural immunity to almost all infectious disease from all the toxic waste in the air.

 During #shutdown... some #federalworkers resort to stripping... the assistant director of monument maintenance is now a regular down at the G-string.

 #RobertMueller has obtained 'nude selfie' from #Russian company targeted in his investigation... poor #jaredkushner, he just can't catch a break.

 #SouthKorea says hackers stole names of #NorthKorea defectors... I told them not to put the names in a folder called 'Tax Stuff'

 #Facebook moderators reportedly rely on inaccurate, outdated documents to determine forbidden content... I was wondering why a search for Janet Jackson, Super Bowl comes up empty.

5 Jokes a day 12/28/18

Wait, did #Grover just say yanny on #sesamestreet?

 Power plant explosion lights up the Queens sky in blue... if it was #aliens, the #upsidedown, or #Thanos, they'd tell us, right?

 #AnneFrank's sister, Margot, also had a diary. Unfortunately, it was a food diary... knowing she ate a banana for breakfast really doesn't move paper.

 #India will send three #astronauts to space by 2022... imagine if your friend's child is one of those astronauts... you would never hear the end of it.

 #Trump threatens to close 'Southern Border entirely' if Dems don't fund wall... it's a very 'I'll turn this car around right now move'... usually an empty threat but Trump might just jackknife this whole thing.

 Court rules mothers' #druguse in #pregnancy isn't child abuse... it was just a light buzz.

5 Jokes a day 12/27/18

Don’t stop the party by #Pitbull is #CanadaJuniors goal song... the United Nations just weighed in... any game with more than 3 goals will now be considered a form a torture.

#RobinThicke and girlfriend #AprilLoveGeary are engaged... you had me at... 'You wanna hug me, what rhymes with hug me... Heyeyeyeyey'

Due to their promiscuous nature, #ladybugs have the highest rate of #STDs among insects... if the cockroach don't look right... it's time to say good night.

#Instagram changed scrolling to go left to right instead of down... doctors issue caution to everyone... those muscles haven't been used in years, could lead to serious injuries.

Winter Storm #Eboni drives warnings across Midwest... makes sense to me... if I was Eboni, I wouldn't be comfortable with all this ivory coming either.

#Trump says that with the shutdown.... ‘Most People Not Getting Paid’ Are Democrats'... oh good, at least no Americans were effected.

End of government #shutdown may depend on the definition of ‘wall’... couldn't they just put up one of those toddler fences?

#MichelleObama voted most admired woman, bumps #HillaryClinton from top spot... now she's lost to 2 Obamas... we might have a #RayFinkle situation on our hands.

#Saudi king shakes up Cabinet in the wake of #KhashoggiMurder... shuffle the deck all you want I still don't think there's any Queens in this hand.

#Foxconn will start flagship #iPhone production in India... I heard they got a great deal on suicide nets.

Fake #AmazonAlexa setup app for iOS will turn Alexa into Alex and then will try to sleep with your wife... so far it has an 80% success rate.

#ElonMusk tweets image of SpaceX’s stainless steel starship... look on the brightside, if the ship fails it'll make a great kitchen countertop.

71-year-old man is trying to cross the #AtlanticOcean in a barrel... it's sponsored by #Ponderosa... convincing old people to make poor decisions since 1965.

5 Jokes a day 12/26/18

#QueensSpeech in front of lavish #goldpiano is the rap video equivalent to strippers on a Lambo.

 #Trump insists #Mexico will pay for the #BorderWall... with just 3 easy payments of $499,999,999 you can own the best wall ever made... it's got spikes, the best steel, and TRUMP engraved on each post.

 #Kentucky man throws ham at woman over argument about #Christmas dinner... she cooked a Black Forest when the family decided on Spiral Cut over the weekend... one of many swine-based quarrels endured this #yuletide.

A #podiatrist from #Queens may have helped #DonaldTrump avoid #Vietnam... well, a lawyer from Queens just might get him impeached.

 #Aquaman rules the #Christmas box office... showing that a female audience really love the ocean... that's the reason, right?

 #QueenElizabeth 'masterminded' Kate and Meghan 'truce'... good thing, sources say it was reaching #VivicaAFox vs. #UmaThurman, #KillBill levels at the #Norfolkestate.

 #AmazonAlexa couldn't handle all of her requests on #ChristmasDay... should've seen that coming... people like talking to a computer more than Uncle Donald going on and on about the border wall.

 Holiday '#Fortnite' outage leaves players with nothing but... spending time with their families... reports say #reading amongst teens increased by 20%.

 Kevin Spacey charged with sexual assault... I'd like to see him try a #keysersoze move on this one.

 Hole in #InternationalSpaceStation capsule drilled from inside... last recording was... 'Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?'

 Economists say... 'Americans are shopping for clothes again'... good thing too... with obesity rates on the rise, naked really wasn't a good look.

 #Flightattendant's father travels with her as she works around #Christmas... that's a great story but he just wouldn't stop pressing the call button to complain.

 #NYPD officer captures hawk trapped in #Penn Station... another example of profiling... he was just trying to get home to his family in Hoboken.

 #ChristianBale transformed into #DickCheney for the movie Dick... his heart shrunk 3 sizes that day.