5 Jokes a day 12/12/18

During a bipartisan meeting with President #Trump, #NancyPelosi and #ChuckSchumer, the vice president, #MikePence, stayed very quiet... maybe if the border wall was having gay sex he would have spoke up.

 #NASA's InSight lander takes first selfie on Mars... it decided to go with duck lips... that's so 2012's Curiosity Rover.

There was a huge #chocolate spill in #Germany... it's the largest accident since Charlie Bucket took over the factory in 1971... sources inside the factory said Charlie got into the fizzie lifting drink again... he's such a dick when he drinks, the source says.

#NewZealand just legalized medical #marijuana... the #Hobbits will still need a perscription from Gandalf to get blazed in the Shire.

#Google CEO #SundarPichai was grilled about a wild YouTube conspiracy claiming that #HillaryClinton drinks the blood of children... it's so ridiculous... child blood is loaded with sugar, that's a hobby for a much younger politician.

Beverage company will pay you $100,000 to ditch your #smartphone for a year... they'll send the funds to your #Venmo app... offer good for 364 days.

Actor suing #Delta after getting pinky finger caught in armrest... the airline is claiming he's acting... the victim replies... not possible, I'm a terrible actor.

#Google won't give temporary workers T-Shirts... one worker was quoted 'they won't even give us the #GooglePlus t-shirts and that program is just a turd that provides hackers with user data'

Police are using fake #Amazon boxes with GPS devices to catch #porchpirates... this just in... the police just lost all their GPS devices.

 

 #SarahHuckabeeSanders hopes to be remembered for being 'transparent and honest'... oh, now I understand... she's doing an open mic.

 

 #Congress reaches deal to force members to pay their own #sexualharassment settlements... great, now we'll get campaign fundraising emails year round.